DiplomatiCat the Talking Beast

Inspired By Ire, Impelled By Ideal … "Never a TAME Lion"

Category Archives: File >> “This is Broken”

PSA – Dear Droid Devs: Dessert Does Not Quantify (Announce/Rant 2015.0814)

OKAY that does it. ENOUGH with the acronyms and codewords in the tech already!! Not everything has to have a cute fuzzy name that makes it impossible to know where it fits in the context of software development hierarchy.

It USED to be perfectly reasonable to understand whether or not your device met the minimum requirements when things wee sensibly ordered and named accordingly. If something said your system needed to be at least as advanced as OS 6.2 and your machine said OS 7, you were good to go. NOW, how the hell am I supposed to pick up a software box that says it will only run on systems running LION or above and I am not even sure if my own machine is TIGER or SNOW LEOPARD or whether it came before or after FUCKYOUVERYMUCHKITTY??

WHO decided this would be a good idea and WHY?

And now Android is just as bad. It was always an irritation for me not knowing if I was dealing with Ice Cream or Candy when trying to look up information about a device that I had interest in, but after reading this utterly nonsensical paragraph and the absurdity of it all hit critical mass for me:

“This change actually went live in Honeycomb 3.2, but it received fairly little attention. We can attribute that to a few factors. To begin with, Honeycomb’s source code only became public with the release of Ice Cream Sandwich, meaning this change was buried amidst thousands of others. Further, the Nexus One never received an official OTA to Ice Cream Sandwich, so access to the SD card was never visibly lost. In fact, the only device known to be affected by the change was the Motorola XOOM. But the XOOM launched with a disabled SD slot, and by the time it was enabled in 3.2, the issue was usually disregarded as a bug.”

Seriously? A professional person wrote that like it ought to make sense. How’s this for an acronym : **RUFKM?!?**

I swear, I share the same creative spirit that you marketing folks have, but GTFO of the technical specs already. Give your product a cutesy or edgy image and name that conjures the feelings that should go along with it, but please let us stick to the sensible and inherently structured ordinals that mean I don’t have to do goddamn research to understand which things are what in order to compare them. I already KNOW that C follows B and that 3 precedes 4. But I am not going to make comparisons of software based on sugar content.

There is an entire article that is practically useless to me despite the fact that it probably contains the answers to the questions I have that sent me looking for it in the first place, but the only reason I might know it does is because Google spit it out as a likely match for the query. I am pretty well educated, and even have a bit of a .knack for the technical stuff and hyper-developed reading skills and I can’t find anything in that paragraph that makes a lick of sense.

It’s time to let the nerds do their nerdy thing, and the cool marketing slicky sales people need to get the fuck out of the way because they are actually not helping things at all. I am now even more inclined to stick with my feature fucking flip phone just because of how stupid that paragraph was…

Please stop. ┬áIf you must get fancy,.then at least pick some symbols which are intuitively obvious in their hierarchy so I don’t have to feel like I lost IQ points trying to understand which generation or iteration of a product you are talking about.

The value of IVR (Interactive Voice Response) Systems from THIS side of the phone line

When I have little patience as it is for the fact that I have to suffer the indignity of talking to a machine instead of a person that insults my intelligence with its programmed courtesies and pleasantries that are negated by its lack of cognitive ability to mean them in any way at all and therefore makes them an additional irritation rather than a courtesy and a ridiculous waste of time at best, it is even MORE absurd that the monotonous droning vocal facsimile insists on rattling off any number of useless bits of unsolicited info at the speed of slug that I do NOT need to know before I am presented with the menu option of what I wish to achieve by calling in the first place which is where I ought to have been offered a selection to hear it if desired. It then add further fire to my ire when upon finally having the option that I seek presented to me to select, I am given another phone number to call so that I can listen to THAT automated intelligence insult machine to repeat the process all over again.

I AM IN A HURRY DAMMIT. I don’t want to exchange pleasantries with electronics nor do I desire a recounting of all the recent interactions I have had with my account, I just want to pay the damn bill. It should be a simple procedure of dialing, entering my account number, pressing a selection to pay that is immediately offered , and then continuing with the necessary prompts to find out how much I want to pay and with what payment method and hold for confirmation BEEP DONE THAT IS ALL.

It ought to take me longer to type this rant about it than the entire process of paying that bill. Sadly, I would say it was at least a 4x longer effort to hear out the drone to accomplish it. AT LEAST.

If I have to deal with a machine, fine, then allow me to be efficient with it the way a machine would interact without all the unnecessary code that gums up the works, but don’t make me deal with it like a person I can’t even interrupt to ask what the fuck number to press to get shit done, okay? It’s not fooling me into thinking its being polite Its rude to force me to show courtesy to something that doesn’t recognize it and its rude to think I will be convinced by the imitation of a person that is clearly a program and It’s wasting my time and seriously pissing me off.

Who has time for that shit?

Does ANYONE find that interaction anything but a distraction and a disservice when a machine is programmed to say, “thank you” or ” I’m sorry” ? HIRE A FUCKING RECEPTIONIST AND HELP OUT THE ECONOMY FUCKTARDS!

My KINGDOM for a properly useful real human being to field and direct incoming phone calls!! The company that decides to lose a bit of profit margin for the sake of sanity and ACTUAL respect and courtesy instead of imitation cheapout-fuck-you-they-won’t-know-the-difference (oh but I sure as hell CAN believe it is not butter, Bitch!) ersatz courtesy bot-vox facsimile nonsense will be the company that indicates society is actually worth saving at all.

SHEESH.